Why unsolicited advice is the worst type of help.
How simply being present can be exactly what’s needed
Photo by Alireza Attari on Unsplash
Imagine being able to help those around you without needing to fix their problems. It sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes the most powerful thing you can offer is your presence and deep listening.
I invite you to think about times you’ve received unsolicited advice. It happens all the time.
A silly example to make my point:
Just today I told a client that I thought I’d accidentally put my phone in the washing machine (don’t laugh!). I went on to explain that I always have my phone on me because it counts my steps.
The client suggested I get a fitness watch that would count my steps.
There are reasons I haven’t done that (not the remit of this article) that I went on to explain.
So now I’m explaining why I’m late (my phone is in a washing machine) and why I don’t want a fitness watch.
I didn’t want advice. I didn’t need advice. I just wanted to apologise with a funny story and move on.
Of course, this didn’t damage my mental health or have any long-lasting effect (or maybe it did, as I’m now telling you!), but there are times when unsolicited advice can be more harmful.
Here’s a handful of experiences I’ve had; let me know if you resonate:
Disagreements: You’re having a rant about a situation, and the person you are talking to keeps coming up with solutions – but all you want to do is have a good moan and be done with it. You don’t want to have perspective during this emotional outburst.
Relationship Conflicts: You’re dealing with a tricky relationship, and your friend keeps advising you on how they would deal with it – but that doesn’t feel right for you. Unsolicited advice comes across as dismissive and doesn’t consider your feelings.
Life Decisions: You have a significant life decision to make, and you keep getting advice when you really want to be supported. The advice doesn’t take into account all the intricacies of the decision that you can’t quite put your finger on.
Mental Health Challenges: You have a mental health challenge and being told how to fix your problems is just making you feel more isolated.
If you’re anything like me, when you see it from your own perspective, you know that advice is often the last thing you want.
And yet, it’s what we do to others.
Why do we keep trying to fix people?
In today's fast-paced world, we often find ourselves trying to solve everyone's problems.
It doesn’t feel like we have the time to listen.
We want to deal with a situation and move on. Whether it's a colleague at work or a friend in need, our instinct is to jump in with solutions.
However, this approach can do more harm than good. It can undermine the other person's ability to find their own solutions and diminish their sense of autonomy.
The concept of "helping without fixing" challenges this traditional approach by focusing on the profound impact of listening and presence.
What to do instead – the power of listening
It may seem hard to ‘just’ listen when you want to help someone so much but bear with me while we discuss how it can be the most powerful thing you can do.
Let’s take each of the above scenarios and show what could happen when we are listened to:
Disagreements: Your friend listens with compassion and without interjection. You know that once you’ve vented, you’ll see more clearly and have more perspective. You just needed to get it off your chest. You feel calm.
Relationship Conflicts: You are heard and understood. As you talk things through, fresh ideas pop into your mind about how you could deal with the situation. You feel hopeful.
Life Decisions: You are empowered to explore your options without judgement. You make decisions that are aligned with your particular circumstances. You feel grateful.
Mental Health Challenges: You are supported with kindness. You see that it’s OK to feel the way you do and that your challenge is temporary, and that you will recover clarity. You feel trusted.
The help that you receive from the act of presence is exponentially greater than someone giving you advice!
When I realised the power of listening, I soon dropped my incessant need to solve everyone’s problems and take the time just to listen.
Summary
1. The Power of Listening
Listening is the most powerful tool you can use to help others. It's not just about hearing words; it's about being fully present with no agenda. In a world filled with distractions, truly listening to someone can be a rare and precious gift. Many people report feeling deeply impacted by being listened to, highlighting how often this basic need is unmet in our busy lives.
2. Everyone Has Their Own Solutions
Each person has access to their own unique insights and solutions. When we try to fix others, we might inadvertently block their ability to tap into these internal resources. By trusting that others can find their own way, we create space for them to discover their own strengths and wisdom
3. Not Being Afraid Of Someone’s Experience
Understanding that someone’s experience is nothing to be afraid of can help to allow it to ‘be’ without trying to fix or change it. Your conviction that it is OK to be not OK will help them settle.
4. The Gift of Presence
Your presence alone can be a profound gift. By being fully there for someone, you offer them the space to explore their own thoughts and feelings without pressure or expectation. This approach not only helps others but also frees you from the burden of needing to have all the answers.
Actionable Steps
If you want to adopt this approach but are not sure how to start here are some pointers for you:
Practice Deep Listening: Set aside distractions and focus on truly hearing the person in front of you. Avoid interrupting or mentally preparing your response while they speak.
Trust in Others' Wisdom: Believe that everyone has the capacity to find their own solutions. This trust will help you resist the urge to offer unsolicited advice.
Be Present: Focus on being fully present with the person. This means putting away your phone, maintaining eye contact, and being mindful of your body language.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of offering solutions, ask questions that help the person explore their own thoughts and feelings. This encourages self-reflection and personal growth.
Helping without fixing is a powerful approach that can transform how we support others. By focusing on listening, trusting in others' wisdom, and being present, we can create a safe space for people to find their own solutions.
This not only empowers them but also frees us from the pressure of needing to have all the answers!
Take the first step today: Start by practising deep listening with someone you care about. Notice how it feels to be fully present and supportive without needing to fix anything.
Share your experiences and insights, and together, let's cultivate a culture of presence and empowerment.
Book a discovery call for more insights on how to have impact and increase your income.
The nation is sick. Every narrative, almost 100 out of 100 people are thinking about themselves, the advice is coming from someone thinking about themselves, everyone is surrounded by the wrong people because there is nobody right, every relationship is ungodly, biblical principles have been out the window for decades for almost everyone in the nation, including the Christians and the Jews, the Judea Christian principles this country was founded on…. People giving advice on not taking advice on people who give advice and when you only need just to be there without the advice, which is advice…. What if the truth about every life no matter who you are what’s you’re doing where you’re from what you look like man or woman any age, what if the truth was that everyone’s gonna die, and when that happens, the person they actually are pops out of the body, and it’s floating in the air wide awake totally alive, and there is no more mental illness. There is no more questioning there is no more advice or help or anything in this world because the thing that pops out is not from this world, it was created by a master creator that is on another planet in a different solar system, and that thing needs a portal to get back to where it was created, and if that portal does not open up, it’s like a whirlwind, like a tornado, if that doesn’t open up and take that thing back, all the demons and weird spiritual stuff that’s cruising around and under the ground, grabs it wraps around it and takes it down to a horrific compression chamber in some other realm down below, and the person that everyone thinks they were is actually now trapped in that brutally scary place, slightly painful and excruciating in the dark wide awake with the same voice and the same personality they had when they were alive on earth? Imagine if that was the real truth about what we’re doing here.? Would people have all these mental problems? When everybody be trying to give advice about not giving advice and giving examples of their own life and how they’re dealing with everything in their life and the gym and the food and the gurus and the meditation and all this other stuff., the busyness, the fast paced life the modern day person? Like if that was the real truth of what we are as human beings, which is something most people have no clue about, then what would be the point of almost anybody’s idea of how to live life? Because the point of life would be how do I make sure that when I die, this thing appears to take me away to where I was first created, which was not actually from my mother and father, that was only the body that is made up of 96% carbon and nitrogen… but the thing that pops out is not from the parents it was created from somebody that looks like us far away, and it is not made out of anything from this world. It is a supernatural life force that never dies….. how do I get out of being trapped down below in that horrific compression chamber? And let me tell everybody something….. there isn’t a human being on this planet that doesn’t need that advice on how to get back, on how to avoid that place under the ground…. That would be like the only advice in the world worth giving or taking….. and all the problems we have on this planet specially in this country with sex parades school shooters, children thinking they can be a different gender… there’s gonna be no advice for mental illness when it is a sickness like a pathogen that’s just going to get worse until a real pathogen will probably wipe out 300 million people because of their selfish, wicked, self-centered, narcissistic lifestyles thinking about themselves constantly, which by the way is mostly the cause of depression and anxiety… people thinking about themselves all day or how to better themselves… when the truth is, there’s no getting better from being a rotten decaying living corpse until the body actually becomes a corpse… and the real person inside pops out… that is not human… and I will leave it here. I experienced this firsthand in 1998. I can tell everybody on this planet that when they die the person they are will pop out of their body. And they will instantly realize that Jesus Christ is God, there is life after this… and they probably made the hugest mistake and gamble of their entire human lives by either not paying attention not caring or rejecting the idea. I have a lot more and also the description of everything that happens down below and the place of judgment in the clouds and what those people look like. Jesus and his father are twins….
Very good advice MamaJ. It can be hard to just listen when you believe you have the answer. I don’t always succeed but I aim to not give advice unless the person asks me.